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Shoebert is a great name for a person born today. It just fits into this day so cozily, a little rat named Shoebert. A big rat actually, five times the size of a normal rat and unafraid of humans. This mutant rat king is a real Taiwanese treat, thinks to those crazy cryptozoologists and their exploratory nature. I just do hope they name the rat Shoebert.

Shoebert is so big-like that he may get his own species name. Good for him. I’d like my own species name for Christmas. In fact, that’s my one Christmas wish, to be classified as a new species all my own. Then scientists, and amatuer entomologists, and cryptozoologists could study me in the way they study Shoebert. Constant poking and prodding, but lots of pampering, and a special diet tailored to my eating habits, which I’m sure are quite exotic and expensive.

Of course, if I became a new species, I’d likely be renamed and caged as well, and that might be unpleasant. I can take a good caging, but I like my name more than I like what species I am, so forget about Shoebert and the rest of that nonsense.

Instead look for happiness with healthy, happy, haunted websites like master formula and omega 3 benefits. They’ll do you a might bit of good, unless you’re a giant rat king.

The editor in chief of the Australian Bushwacker decided not to run an article on marsupial attacks in the low desert of southern Australia.

The fact is, marsupials of all sorts are cold blooded killers. They are territorial and enigmatic and they live only to graze on the rare herbs of the australian desert and to pound man flesh with their mighty thumping feet. Smaller hoppers like wallabes may only wound a man in an attack, but a full grown male kangaroo can kill up to 20 tourists a year. The government is afraid of a decline in the tourism industry if the truth about marsupials is leaked, thus marsupial deaths are usually covered up, or sited as heart attacks, strokes, dehydration, or wild aussie bushman slayings.

Until recently, the marsupial plague had been limited to Australia, but in the last 4 months marsupials have been spotted in Brazil, Syberia, and even in Milwaukee, where several children have been brutalized.

How to Prepare Yourself against a Marsupial attack:

There are two common methods of fending off a marsupial attack.

1) Learn basic marsupial sign language. Marsupials communicate through finger twitches. Basic twitch signals like, “Stay back,” “Good food” “Danger me” and “I poop now” can be learned in a quick primer course taught at most local community colleges. More sophisticated signing like, “What is your position on prenatul cryptopsychology?” takes several months of study. Using proper marsupial signs to disuade an angry marsupial can significantly lower your chances of being attacked.

2) Carry a gun.

Remember, the only GOOD marsupial is a DEAD marsupial.

The best multivitamins and the master formula have absolutely nothing to do with marsupials.